Fear

Hello Dear Readers,

Today I want to talk about fear.

Readers, I’ll level with you. I have a lot of anxiety. I tend to feel some level of distress fairly regularly. And often over things that don’t usually warrant that kind of a response. I’ve worked with a counselor and also with a life coach to help manage a lot of it. I enjoy content like the Daily Stoic. Logically, I know there are a lot of things that are out of my control, and worrying about them is just my brain trying to make itself feel safe with the illusion of control. (Worry.) Even so. Sometimes putting those things into practice can be easier said than done.

I’ve been really struggling with feeling confident in my writing, which has made it really difficult for me to sit down and write. I sit at the keyboard and feel paralyzed by self-doubt and fear. “You can’t even get people to read and review the one book you wrote, why bother writing another one?” “It’s probably a good thing people aren’t reading the book you wrote, it’s probably way worse than you think it is.” “You have such weird tastes, no one will like the books you write if you tell the stories you really want to tell.” “All your ideas are dumb, no one else out there is even going to like them.”

And so on. You get the idea. The inner dialog can be pretty brutal sometimes. BUT. I can’t let that stop me. I’m struggling, but I’m putting words on paper. (Remember, all first drafts are bad. LET IT BE BAD.) I don’t understand why the second book feels so much harder than the first one did, but it does.

I’ve also started posting to social media a lot more, especially videos, to try to grow my readers. This is just as anxiety-provoking as sitting down to write. “What do I post?” “Who cares about that?” “I sound so awkward on camera.” “I sound dumb, I look ugly, no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”

Oof.

Guys. Gals. There is so much anxiety between my ears sometimes it’s unbearable.

The important thing, the hard thing, the necessary thing, is to just do it anyway. Do the thing. You can do it. With the recent release of Dune Part II, I’ve been reminded of this quote, which I absolutely love.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

― Frank Herbert, Dune

It’s stuck with me ever since I first heard it back in middle school. I actually tell myself parts of this quote on a somewhat regular basis. My abridged version: “Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” (The short version is a little easier for me to remember, haha.)

All that to say, even if you’re scared, you have to just keep moving forward and doing the thing. Sometimes things don’t get less scary, you just get better at managing your fear.

One of my coaches talks about sitting with your emotions. That fear comes from the oldest part of our brain, the lizard brain. My lizard brain is a feral velociraptor. And it’s just trying to help me protect my inner child. I’ve been working hard on becoming a Velociraptor whisperer so I can better understand what my fear is trying to tell me and what my inner child needs. I like to imagine them together in a blanket fort, coloring. The Velociraptor is like a big guard dog for my inner child, and he will utterly destroy anything that tries to harm her. He doesn’t understand that I’m an adult now, so sometimes I have to just put my hands on my chest and close my eyes and tell them both that we’re safe, and I’m an adult, and I won’t let anything happen to them.

The truth is, I have so many stories I want to tell. I’m afraid I’ll never do them justice. I’m afraid I’ll let myself down. I’m afraid that people will hate my work. I’m afraid people will think the things I write are weird and bad and strange, or worse, that by extension I am weird and bad and strange. In the end, none of that matters. Telling stories and being creative brings me joy. And that’s what I need to remember. I’m writing for others to enjoy, but also I’m writing for me. I’m writing stories that I would want to read. And when you get too much in your head, it’s easy to lose track of that. These are stories that only I can tell, so I need to do my best to put pen to paper and share them with the world, even if it scares me.

Till next time dear reader, know that I’m rooting for you. You can face your fear. You’re more powerful than you think. You can do the thing. I believe in you. You got this. Now get out there and make some magic happen for yourself.

<3 Tiff