Letting go of guilt

Hello Dear Readers!

Last week I talked about how tough it can be to get back on the horse when you’ve been kicked off. I talked about some of the reasons that can be so tricky, namely being hard on yourself and often feeling like you’ll never make it back up to the skill level you were previously before you had to take some time away.

This week I want to talk about another reason that it can be really hard to get started again.

Guilt.

I’ve talked previously about struggling with depression. Depression takes everything out of you. For the last year and change I was Artax in the Swamp of Saddness.

From about November 2023 up until about March 2024 was the worst of it, possibly the worst I’d ever felt. My husband, Dustin, Phil, my friends, people were trying to help and pull me out of it, but I just felt like I was sinking. I had no energy. I sometimes cried on my way to work, I would come home exhausted and crying, I felt like all I wanted to do was sleep. I tried to read. I tried to write. I managed to take walks, but I couldn’t seem to force myself to get to the gym. I spent a lot of time doom scrolling because it was all that I felt like I had the energy for. I tried to tell myself I was doing “research”, seeing what other authors were up to, but mostly I just felt even worse afterwards, as is to be expected with social media. Nick and I got in the habit of putting my phone in time out so I wouldn’t get stuck in the doom scroll. It sucked.

(A side note I feel compelled to include, if your job makes you feel this way, it’s time to get a new one. I know how unbelievably scary that can be, I just went through it, but no job should make you feel like you like dying is a better alternative. If you’re feeling that low, please talk to someone. If you’re in crisis (and you’re in the US), you can dial 988, which will connect you to the suicide prevention hotline to talk to a person. It’s like 911 for mental health. Please know that you matter, and your life matters. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s the strongest thing you can do.)

And then, suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I changed roles at work. I had hope again. I started feeling better. I got back into the gym, which in turn helped me feel better. I was able to start writing again. It was so wonderful to be able to be doing the things that I loved and to enjoy them again.

And then the guilt set in. Perhaps you are also hard on yourself, dear reader, and you understand what it’s like to have this negative voice in your brain sabotaging you. I felt, and still feel, overwhelmed with it at times. The dark, nasty part of my brain says to me “How much further ahead would I be if I had been writing consistently for the last 12 months? I might have my next book out already. I can never get that time back. I’ve wasted a year of my life. I could be so much better at writing by now. I could have improved so much. I could have learned so much. Why did I waste so much time doom scrolling and consuming stupid content on social media instead of doing what I really want to do with my life and making progress towards my goals?!”

Dear Reader, one of the hardest things in this life is to learn to be gentle with yourself. My guess is that you’re not the type of person would say things like I wrote above to your very best friend in the whole world, so why is it ok to think them to yourself?

I think in some part it is fear of change, fear of success, fear of greatness that shapes these thoughts. Our brains are very good at keeping us alive, and at looking for danger. Change could be dangerous. In some weird way I think these types of thoughts are almost hardwired into us from a biological survival standpoint.

The good news is that you can learn to navigate through them. You can shape and change your thoughts. In my humble opinion the path to self acceptance, and more importantly, self forgiveness, is a skill, and like any other skill it can be learned. One of the coaches I’ve worked with described it thus: Our mind is like a sand pile. And there is a marble at the top of the sand pile. Every time we think a thought the marble rolls down a certain side of the sand pile. Over time, the more we think the same thoughts, the groove gets worn in very deep and it’s easier and easier for the marble to go down that one path. But you can learn to push the marble off a different side of the sand pile. It is not easy, it takes practice, and patience, but over time you can make a new trench in the sand pile and the other one will begin to fade away.

How do you do this? For me, it was getting curious and asking questions. I used a lot of the reframing exercises my coach gave me to work on, I journaled. I’m slowly and steadily building a new path for the marble. (preferably a cooler one with a twisty slide, but for now I’ll settle for just getting off the old path.)

I still have those thoughts and feelings pop up. I still feel guilty about all that wasted time. But instead of fighting it and trying to wrangle it down with snarling teeth and bare hands, instead of ignoring it, or trying to shame myself out of feeling it, I acknowledge its presence, I thank it for bringing whatever warning it was trying to bring to me, I might even invite it to sit with me for a time so I can feel the feels, and then I send it on it’s way. I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts.

You can’t hate yourself into being more productive. It’s not a viable strategy for getting through life. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve accomplished a lot, but I’ve been mighty miserable for a long time. If you’re holding on to guilt about something you did or didn’t do, or anger, or self-hatred, it’s ok to let those things go. You don’t have to hold onto that. You can put that burden down. Push the marble in a new direction. Forge a new path. Even if you’re scared, I believe in you. You can do it.

Till next time dear reader, try to be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself if you can. Sit with your feelings. Take some time to try to understand what messages they might be bringing you. And then kindly send them on their way if needed. If you can’t do it for yourself yet, then give it a try it for me. Ask yourself “Who would I be without that [negative] thought?” The answer might surprise you. Sending you all lots of love and warmth. <3 Tiff